Understanding the Impact of Being 'Too Nice' on My Dating Life

We've all heard the saying "nice guys finish last." As a man, it can feel frustrating when you treat women with kindness and respect, yet they seem more interested in men who are aloof or even rude. It led me to question, am I just too nice when it comes to dating?

As I entered my 20s, I was still single and couldn't figure out why. I'm an intelligent, thoughtful guy who cares about people. I'm polite, agreeable, and go out of my way to make sure the woman feels comfortable. But date after date, things would fizzle out quickly.

I started to think there was something wrong with being "too nice." That maybe I needed to stop trying so hard and start acting more indifferent. But that didn't feel right either.

It took some deep reflection to finally understand where I was going wrong.

‍

My Personality Was More Harmful Than Helpful

‍

I've always been conflict-avoidant and eager to please. I dislike tension or disagreements, so I try to smooth things over. My nature is to be overly accommodating and agreeable.

While that serves me well in day-to-day life, it was killing me in dating. I realized that by avoiding any conflict with women, I was hindering connection.

Here were some of the key problems:

‍

I Never Expressed What I Wanted

‍

In my effort to make sure she was happy, I didn't communicate my own needs or interests. I'd ask "What do you want to do tonight?" rather than suggesting a fun date idea. Or I'd go along with her movie choice even if I hated it.

By not expressing any opinions, it made me seem boring, passive, and lacking conviction. She had no clue what truly interested me.

‍

I Was Too Quick to Compromise

‍

If there was even a hint of disagreement, I'd immediately back down from my standpoint. I thought compromising was being "nice," when really it just made me a pushover with no backbone.

She likely saw me as someone she could easily steamroll over. That's not an attractive quality in a partner.

‍

I Didn't Flirt Enough

‍

Because I wanted to be respectful and not pushy, I held back on expressing any romantic interest. But healthy flirting and sexual tension are key in dating.

My lack of confidence and initiative to make a move signaled I wasn't truly interested. So she'd lose interest as well.

‍

Why This Was Ruining My Dating Life

‍

Once I became aware of these behaviors, their consequences were obvious:

• She couldn't get a sense of who I really was because I never voiced opinions.
• She didn't feel desired because I didn't flirt or initiate physical intimacy.
• She didn't see me as a challenge because I was too eager to please.

Rather than coming across as kind, I seemed passive, boring, and desperate for her approval. Not exactly panty-dropping qualities.

No wonder I kept getting ghosted!

But the good news is, by identifying the problem, I knew exactly how to course correct.

‍

How I Became More Attractive By Being Less "Nice"

‍

The solution wasn't to turn into a callous jerk. I didn't need a drastic personality overhaul. I simply had to find the right balance between consideration and confidence.

Here are the steps I took to come into my own:

• I stated my true opinions unapologetically, even if they differed from hers. Having a spirited debate built connection.
• I planned dates doing activities I enjoyed. Rather than just acquiescing to her ideas.
• I focused on having fun and being myself, rather than obsessively trying to impress her.
• I embraced flirting, teasing, and being more sexually forward once mutual interest was established.
• I said "no" if she suggested something I didn't want to do. I politely stood firm on my boundaries.

The results were remarkable. I felt more respected for asserting my needs. Dates seemed more engaged as I opened up with humor and flirtation.

Best of all, I started getting asked on second dates! I realized I could still be a caring person while also demonstrating confidence and initiative.

‍

Don't Lose Your Nice Side – Find The Balance

‍

If you relate to my dating struggles, don't take it as a sign to become arrogant or insensitive. We need more kindness in this world.

But evaluate whether you're hindering connection by being too passive or conflict-avoidant. You don't have to be a jerk, but don't be a doormat either.

Express your authentic self and what you want unapologetically. Have spirited discussions. Initiate intimacy when there's mutual interest. Don't compromise your boundaries just to appease.

Finding that sweet spot between considerate and confident took some practice. But it made me more attractive while still being true to my values.

So next time you're tempted to be "too nice," remember it could be sabotaging your dating success. Trust that being your authentic self is enough to captivate the right woman.

Source: Reddit